Tuesday, 20 September 2016

How to exit a relationship

I am single. Officially divorced but I feel that's a label of failure. It has negative vibes. So I say "single" because it's my choice and I am happy to be single.

I have been thinking about writing this post for months and months now. And then I thought sod it, if it resonates with one person, that's worth putting myself out there. 

I was not happily married. For a long time. I tried for many years to make someone whose surname I gladly took, notice me. They never really did. Even after lots of chances and re-tries, I was never noticed.

It takes a lot of courage, strength and determination to exit any relationship - whether that be your marriage, boyfriend or girlfriend or best friend. It takes a lot of thinking, tears and doubt. But most of all it takes the final straw.

The final straw and defining moment
You (like I did) might have put up with a lot in your relationship and strangely your final straw might be something fairly minor and you might not even act on the final straw. But there will be a "defining moment". It's the moment you will think back to, the moment that will spur you on in the dark moments - of which you'll have many.

The defining moment is when something inside you clicks and you know "that's it", "enough is enough" or "I'm done". And once you hit that moment, there's really no going back.

Worst case scenario
The other driver will be the "worst case scenario". It's a thermometer gauge against your current relationship state. For me, it was: If this marriage ended and I never met anyone else again, how would I feel? And each time I checked the gauge, my answer (in my head) was always "so much happier than I am now".

I read a really profound phrase - 'you can be more lonely in a room full of people, than in a room on your own'. What this meant to me was yes actually, I could be more lonely being in a relationship than if I was on my own.

How to exit
To exit a relationship you need to maintain your pride, your morals and your belief. What I mean by pride and morals is you will have to work hard not to get dragged in to possible nastiness and back stabbing. Hold your head up high. You have every right to be treated with respect and love and if you're not, you have every right to walk on by! Believe that. Believe in yourself when others don't, believe you can start a new life, either on your own or with children, support yourself and a new home. And most of all believe that you will laugh again, you will go back to the real you. You should never need to change or make excuses for what you believe in. A partner should be a great addition to your life, not your life.

And stay strong. There will be times and there will be people saying (even your own friends and family maybe) that you should just stick it out. But if you know it's no longer right and you cry more than you laugh in your relationship, get out. Have a plan of how you will logistically exit, finances and childcare, try where possible to keep the lines of communication open with your ex partner and stay focused. 

It helped me to visualise being in my own home, relaxed, happy, having the heating on when I wanted and having a bath at (shock/horror) 8pm! In the dark times, I would zone out and visualise this image. And before I knew it I was there. I am happy. I am me. I am doing what I want, without excuses or explanation. I notice me.

xx



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6 comments

  1. Great post Julie, thanks for sharing!💗💗

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  2. You go girl - and for having the courage to share this with us! Just come across your blog and you seem like the most amazing person, I think it can be so difficult putting yourself first in relationships sometimes but often once you manage to do it good things start happening and you start making yourself happy instead of someone else :D I love that quote you chose about being lonely in a crowd, it reminded me of the loneliness of Lowry, and is so true sometimes! Can't wait to read more from your blog and this article definitely resonated with me :D xx

    elizabeth ♡ ”Ice Cream” whispers Clara | (lets follow each other on bloglovin or instagram)

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    1. Hi Elizabeth. Thank you so much for your lovely comment. It's always a bit scary putting a personal post out isn't it but I'm glad I did and very glad you enjoyed it.
      Julie x

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  3. Hey Julie. Having just gone through a traumatic divorce myself I totally relate to this post and admire your bravery for writing about it. My final straw was finding out my husband was having an affair after a year of neglecting our own relationship despite my every effort. Leaving is never an easy option. It takes guts and requires you to hit your fears for the unknown head on.

    The pain of this part of my life will always be with me in some way but two years on I am happy with a new partner and about to buy a new house for myself and my children and am more myself than I ever was in my marriage. Too many people stay in bad relationships because they are fearful of being alone but if they are unhappy in that relationship and there is genuinely no chance of change then they should take the brave step to leave and give themselves the freedom to experience happiness. I did and I haven't look back!

    Sharron (www.keepingitfabulous.com)

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    1. Hi Sharon. Thank you for your comment. I'm so glad you've come through the other side and wish you all the happiness in your new home with your family.
      Julie x

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  4. I'm glad you're happy now! Do you want to be friends with me on bloglovin? If yes, just follow my blog there, I'll follow your blog back!!! https://www.bloglovin.com/blogs/anna-alina-3947784

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